The most important relationship
June is about connecting to ourselves and to others
Welcome to June and our summer cohorts! This month we’ll be diving into relationships — how they nurture and support us, as well as create opportunities for growth through conflict, and more. We’ll talk about friends and family, partners, acquaintances, and the roles they play in our lives.
We’ll start by looking at the longest relationship we’ll have with anyone in our lives: ourselves!
Our relationship with ourselves is one that needs to be intentionally nurtured throughout our lives. When we regularly check in with ourselves, we are able to know how we are doing, what we need, and what is changing in our lives that we need to adjust to. When we listen to our bodies, we can know when we are hungry or full, if we need the comfort of friends or solo time to tune inward.
Believe it or not, we’re not taught do to this. In fact, we’re taught the opposite.
Why don’t we listen to our bodies?
This issue of others knowing what’s best for us (instead of knowing what’s best for ourselves) appears in every facet of our lives — from basic biological needs like eating and using the bathroom to how we should interact with others and the world.
How often have you needed to pee, but held it because you were working on something else? Or had a meeting to go to?
Do you remember being hungry in elementary school but not allowed to eat because it wasn’t lunch or snack time? Or, perhaps more recently being told by an “expert” what you should eat and when, instead of following your hunger cues?
We’ve learned that even our basic bodily functions are inconvenient to others. We’re told we should be in control of our bodies instead of listening to what we need. Too often we’re focused on what dominant culture is telling us (and selling us) about what it thinks we need that we miss our own experience.
How often have you ignored warning bells about a toxic coworker in order to get the work done? Or needed a night at home to rest but felt pressure to attend a friend’s event? How often have you put others’ needs above your own to fit in?
It’s hard to cultivate a relationship with ourselves when we’ve been indoctrinated to believe that our needs aren’t important, that others know better. As a result, we are a society of people who are easily manipulated as we put others’ needs before our own, even at great detriment to our own health, wellbeing and safety. We worry if we do put our ourselves and our needs first, or even just in the mix of all the demands of our lives, we are being narcissistic or somehow “bad.”
The cost of not trusting ourselves
Because we are so busy and often overwhelmed, in addition to putting others’ needs before our own, we regularly override our basic needs for things like food, sleep, rest, recreation, fun, connection with others, connection with nature (the list goes on!). We disappoint ourselves so often.
We would lose faith in a friend or family member who routinely lets us down, so it makes sense that when we routinely let ourselves down, we lose trust in ourselves. When we don’t trust ourselves, we make errors of judgement in relationships with others.
We need to know who we are, what we need, and what we value in order to have meaningful relationships with others. Where do we begin? With the life-long cultivation of knowing ourselves and allowing ourselves to change as we grow and move through developmental milestones. We need to stop trying to fit in with others and belong to ourselves.
This 36-second video with Brené Brown expresses this beautifully:
The more we are able to recognize what we need to thrive, the clearer we can be about how we go about getting our needs met. When we are aware of our needs and are able to take steps towards cultivating a strong relationship with ourselves, that will lead to stronger connections with others.
Last chance to join a cohort!
Our summer cohorts start Thursday, June 5! Gather with a group of like-minded mothers to dive deeper into the topics we share here. You can join us in-person in Silver Spring, MD or on zoom. Plus, new this session are weekly virtual office hours with
! Registration closes tomorrow.Practice
To begin, think about what your needs are. Here’s a worksheet to get you started — it has a list of some needs you may be able to identify in yourself:
Pick one or two needs that have been neglected and start finding ways to meet that need for yourself. We’d love to hear what you are working on in the comments.
Resource
The article 12 Keys To A Great Self-Relationship, Starting Now by Grant Hilary Brenner MD, DFAPA is a great place to dive deeper into exploring your relationship with yourself.